Please choose your words carefully

A customer shopping in my store is trying to describe a product he needs to one of my associates. He is not doing a very good job of it, but she is doing the best she can to understand and help him. As another associate walks by he suddenly blurts out, "You with the gut! Maybe you can help me. She doesn't know anything." The passing associate stops and tries his best to assist the man, eventually figuring out what he needs and directing him to it. The associate is courteous and focused on serving the customer, and returns to his original task when he is finished.

The above scene actually happened in my store today, and there is so much I want to say about it that I hardly know where to begin. I should start by saying that such an occurrence is not at all rare, in fact it is common. Most of you who read the above will recognize it, having witnessed it or experienced it yourselves. Some of you will share my outrage, my seething disgust for such behavior. A few of you may even agree with my response. Let's find out, shall we?

First and foremost, let's be clear: I am not Emily Post. I can't tell you what form of address is appropriate when speaking to a Cardinal at a dinner party. I'm lucky if I manage to scribble out a quick thank-you note now and then (Mother would be appalled!) and I am quite comfortable wearing white after Labor Day. Suffice it to say I don't think of myself as being all that knowledgeable about etiquette and 'good form.' But I do know a thing or two about good old-fashioned manners and let me tell you: It has as much to do with common sense and kindness as it does with breeding and how you are raised.

This man was rude, plain and simple. I think the thing about his behavior that appalled me the most was the cavalier way it rolled off of his tongue. His tone did not suggest that he intended to be mean or hurtful. In fact, if you asked him - and O I want to ask him - he'd probably be completely unaware that he was in any way unkind or thoughtless. He may have even considered his language humorous or jovial. Sticks and stones, sticks and stones. Bruises of the flesh heal quickly, sir, but the violence your words inflict on your fellows injures far more deeply. Such behavior is far too common and it pollutes the air so much that we are sick from it. I know I am.

It is not appropriate, polite, or kind to summarily conclude - and announce - that someone is ignorant because they cannot solve your dilemma - your inability to effectively communicate your needs notwithstanding. It is also not proper to address someone as "you with the gut." We're all walking around with faults and defects, real or imagined and none of us is immune - so go gently when you are in public lest someone point out your own bit of ugliness.

Many of us who have worked with the public might point out with approval the way the associate gave the customer good service, ignoring the rude behavior. We might quote the old adage "the customer is always right, and more importantly... they are the customer." A lot of us would accept that as a maxim for good business. Maybe so, but at what cost I say? Is it acceptable to allow ourselves and our associates to be treated that way? Where do we draw the line? I have routinely seen customers use foul language, racial and ethnic slurs, aggressive and abusive language. I have been interrupted while speaking to another customer. Is that okay, in the name of making a sale?

I say no. The problem with 'The customer is always right' is that sometimes it trains customers to be rude and abusive. There is no consequence. It says "I do not value myself, so why should you?" I think this is a mistake, and it's one I have learned not to make. I do not return rudeness with rudeness - that's a trap easily sprung. But I will not allow myself to be treated with anything less than the most basic respect. I'd like to think that, had I been present, I would have said something to the man, called him on his rudeness.

And maybe that's the key, after all. Shame, when it works, can be a powerful teacher. Point it out when someone is rude. Let them know that you won't allow yourself or others to be treated that way. Show some respect for yourself in the process. Maybe they'll think twice the next time - and maybe not. But just because some people will never learn doesn't mean we should surrender to an uncivil world. I'm not giving up. I hope you don't either.

[Note: My brain is still working on this, so don't be surprised if a re-write takes place. I'll let you know if it does. Also, I have drafts I'm working on for several earlier posts, which should show up in the next day or two...]

"That's Stupid" feels like "You're stupid"

My boss is well-known for being insensitive and is mercurial at best. She is herself very sensitive, though, and is easily offended. We never know which personality will manifest from moment to moment, day to day. One moment a thing will be earth-shatteringly important, the next it will be inconsequential. It is confusing and is a serious morale issue.

Language is turning out to be a recurring theme of this blog, and her use of it is abysmal. A case in point: On two separate occasions recently she has mightily offended one of my fellow mid-level managers by insinuating they are 'unintelligent'. When a problem presented itself and the manager was telling her how they addressed it, she responded dismissively with "That's stupid," followed by how she thought it should be handled. Later that day, the same manager and she were discussing a challenging dilemma. The manager suggested an approach to solve the issue and was once again told "That's stupid."

Now I have to say here that my fellow manager has 15 years experience in retail management. I find her to be creative, seasoned, and well-qualified. But folks, I don't think that should matter. A good boss should lead a team, involve them, build them up. The type of language you use is an important part of how you do that. When you say to someone - anyone - "That's stupid" the phrase they hear is "You are stupid." If you don't think so, that's idiotic.

See? It feels like I just called you an idiot, doesn't it? My bosses problem seems to be that she thinks her way of doing things is the only intelligent way to do them. This certainly isn't true, although she's within her rights to dictate how things are done in her domain. Her language when she deals with her managers is often demoralizing, and it causes everyone to second guess even small decisions. We often hear her complain that she is constantly interrupted for trivial things, but she has trained us - unwittingly perhaps - to be wary.

I feel for my fellow manager, who was teary-eyed all day. I understand how she feels, we've all been there many, many times in one way or another. It just brings home for me how important our words are, and why it's crucial to think about not only what we say, but how we say it. Some days I think our boss is clueless, but some days I think she knows exactly what she's doing. Maybe it's a little of both. Nah, that's silly.

Ghost in the Machine

The washing machine is on the fritz again. It randomly selects a time to just stop. You never know when it's going to happen - while it's filling, while its agitating, draining, spinning. It simply quits, like it's too tired to go on and has collapsed from exhaustion. If I start a load before bed, dollars to donuts I will wake up to a load of clothes that have been stewing in dirty water all night. Gross. I've taken to hanging out in the dining room nearby with the door open so I can hear when it gives up. Then I say [expletive deleted] ! and stomp into the garage to coax it back into action.

It has incredible timing. It is most likely to quit on me when I need it most - when time is a factor. Like before work, when all of my uniforms are in it. Like before we go out to dinner, when the shirt I want to wear is in it. It is cruel, and it hates me. I swear sometimes I can hear it laughing like Vincent Price when I turn my back. Usually it finishes the cycle once I restart it. But sometimes it stops as soon as I turn around, like it's waiting for me to stop looking. GOTCHA! Muahhahahaha! I try not to let it see me cry.

Thing is, I thought we had it fixed. We're on well water - that is to say, "Hard Water" - and the screen on the hose used to get blocked. We thought it was minerals building up to block the screen. I scrubbed the screen, soaked it in vinegar and replaced it. NOPE. Then we thought the hoses, which are old, were degrading inside and pieces of rubber were blocking the hose causing back-pressure. We replaced them with new ones. NOPE. I even considered calling a Voodoo priestess or a Catholic priest to exorcise it but I'm weirded out by all the unintelligible chanting, strange costumes, and strange-smelling incense - and Voodoo doesn't thrill me either.

I know what you're thinking: "You need a new washer." And you'd be right.

I'm okay, you're a little twisted... but that's okay.

I have opinions. Yup. Lots of 'em. Example: There's a right way to fold a towel, and many wrong ways to do it. I think my David has explored most of the wrong ways before discovering that my way is the best way. Not because he did the research and found out that the way I do it works the best. O no. He's figured out that the amount of grief he gets from me if he doesn't do it 'the right way' is just not worth the fight. Don't get me wrong here... he is still sloppy about it, but the folds are 'correct.' You may think the whole thing is silly, but it matters to me. I don't know why, exactly, but it does.

See, that's the thing about opinions. They are highly personal. Though the reasoning behind them may (or may not) be sound, we can be inexplicably and stubbornly devoted to them. An opinion is different from an idea. You can easily change your ideas about something, but an opinion is much harder to change - evidence to the contrary be damned. Ideas are about thought, opinions are about decisions. When we have an opinion, we've decided what we think - and decisions have an air of finality about them. You've made up your mind and that's that.

This, of course, can lead to statements like "you're being irrational," or worse - especially if the other person has also formed an opinion, and that opinion radically differs from your own. The discussion can spiral out of control, becoming the opposite of a discussion: an argument. Let's face it, an argument is not a discussion. A discussion is the sharing of information, the exchange of ideas. An argument is a contest, and both of you are trying to win. Nobody ever wins a discussion. Arguments are about domination. Discussions are about tolerance.

Tolerance is not about agreeing. You can tolerate something without agreeing with it. In fact, tolerance is like 'agreeing to disagree'. It's about understanding the concept of self-determination and individuality. You don't have to change who you are to tolerate someone else. You do your thing, and you let them do theirs. Their differences are about them, not about you. You've got enough to worry about. Trust me.

When you commit to tolerance, it can be very freeing. It has a tendency to jog you out of 'tunnel vision' and allow you to see things you might not have noticed before. Like how you are similar. You might learn something once you stop focusing on what you view as the negative, and take in the whole. If there was more tolerance, we might live in a safer and more joyful world. Less shouting and more laughter. Less isolation and more community.

I think we need more tolerance in the world. But that's just my opinion.

A Killer Price

"Black Friday Crowds Trample to Death a Wal-Mart employee"

This makes me sick, disgusted, sad: Crowds gathered outside of a Wal-Mart in New York State Friday morning surged through the front doors in a mad dash to take advantage of 'doorbuster' sales, trampling to death the employee who opened the doors. "Doorbusters" in reality, knocking the doors off of the hinges and crushing them - and the employee - to save a few bucks. Witnesses say that members of the crowd STEPPED OVER the prone body of the man as they made their way into the building, and fellow employees were battered and bruised themselves in their attempt to come to the poor man's aid. When shoppers were told the store would be closing for a few hours because of the death many continued shopping, expressing irritation and exclaiming "I waited out front for hours, I'm not leaving!"

What is wrong with you people? What have you become? Never mind the Christmas Spirit, what happened to your humanity? Although it shouldn't matter, let me put it into perspective for you - and make it personal to appeal to your selfish natures: What if this person was your grandmother, your husband, your child? How would you feel then? Would you be outraged? Would it change your behavior? Would you still step over their crumpled and battered body for a flat-screen television?

Here's my gift to all of you, and to the world at large: I didn't kill anyone this year - or ever. I tried to treat others with respect and kindness. I tried to think of someone besides myself. I made the effort. It seems like such a small thing, no effort at all really... But maybe the lowest common denominator is all we can hope for against the backdrop of selfish indifference. Maybe it's no longer about what you do to help your fellow man - maybe it's about what you DON'T do to harm them.