"That's Stupid" feels like "You're stupid"

My boss is well-known for being insensitive and is mercurial at best. She is herself very sensitive, though, and is easily offended. We never know which personality will manifest from moment to moment, day to day. One moment a thing will be earth-shatteringly important, the next it will be inconsequential. It is confusing and is a serious morale issue.

Language is turning out to be a recurring theme of this blog, and her use of it is abysmal. A case in point: On two separate occasions recently she has mightily offended one of my fellow mid-level managers by insinuating they are 'unintelligent'. When a problem presented itself and the manager was telling her how they addressed it, she responded dismissively with "That's stupid," followed by how she thought it should be handled. Later that day, the same manager and she were discussing a challenging dilemma. The manager suggested an approach to solve the issue and was once again told "That's stupid."

Now I have to say here that my fellow manager has 15 years experience in retail management. I find her to be creative, seasoned, and well-qualified. But folks, I don't think that should matter. A good boss should lead a team, involve them, build them up. The type of language you use is an important part of how you do that. When you say to someone - anyone - "That's stupid" the phrase they hear is "You are stupid." If you don't think so, that's idiotic.

See? It feels like I just called you an idiot, doesn't it? My bosses problem seems to be that she thinks her way of doing things is the only intelligent way to do them. This certainly isn't true, although she's within her rights to dictate how things are done in her domain. Her language when she deals with her managers is often demoralizing, and it causes everyone to second guess even small decisions. We often hear her complain that she is constantly interrupted for trivial things, but she has trained us - unwittingly perhaps - to be wary.

I feel for my fellow manager, who was teary-eyed all day. I understand how she feels, we've all been there many, many times in one way or another. It just brings home for me how important our words are, and why it's crucial to think about not only what we say, but how we say it. Some days I think our boss is clueless, but some days I think she knows exactly what she's doing. Maybe it's a little of both. Nah, that's silly.