Tips for the Holiday Season

Note: In my opinion, what follows below is blog spam. To those of you who don't like this sort of thing: I"m with you. I normally don't either. But I received this in an Email from my Aunt and I liked it enough to foist it off on you. I figure, what the hell, it's My blog after all!

Tips for the Holiday Season:

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday
buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you
see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're
serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare
... you cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink
up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as
if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's
a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you
think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's
the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on.
Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat
the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with
skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like
buying a sports car with an automatic transmission. Go next door to
the rum ball house.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to
control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party
is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and
New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else
to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after
circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food
and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet
table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of
Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as
you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like
a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're
never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of
each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one
pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than
one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have
some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave
the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying
attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just
around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:


"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention
of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways, martini in hand, body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what
a ride!"


Have a great holiday season!